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The ecstasies and obscurities of an MRI scan

"Mr Mitra - your turn. Do you have any metallic objects with you? Anything like a gold chain, belt, wallet etc.?" "No" I said. "Then please remove your slippers and lie down." The consulting radiologist pointed to the patient table.

"So how long will this take?" I asked trying to be brave. "About 30 minutes." The reply was extremely business like.

Before I knew, the assistant had finished padding my head and strapping my feet - all of this before I could exhale. "This is the nurse calling switch - just in case you need to summon us."

Flashback. Couple of weeks back, tired of a persistent headache (caused by daily doses of Arnab Goswami, playing stick tennis, text mining the Facebook and a nagging migraine) I went to see a general physician. It seemed safe for him to recommend a CT scan originally, but which was later 'upgraded' to a MRI scan upon further consideration. I did go through some bouts of depression after I learnt how much it would cost (No posts on FB were made that day). But the idea of an MRI still fascinated me.

Magnetic Resonance Imaging is great concept. The idea (as I understand) is to scan that part of the body which is suspected to carry some injury by shoving a petrified patient into a cylindrical coffin exposing it to a magnetic field. The activity in that area is closely monitored by a (severely under debt still paying off education loan) radiologist who then generates multiple black and blacker images which would subsequently be reviewed by doctors to reveal nothing.

                                 
Image credit: ....................Who cares?

Ding dong! I am now inside the hell hole with no life support systems. "Tough times don't last - tough men do." Put the guy who said that in here!

3 seconds into the process and you realize that 'designed for comfort' was not the philosophy that the inventors of the MRI machine bore in mind. Your body has been compressed so much you resemble a LPG cylinder. On the positive side, they have provided for enough place for you to freely move your eyeballs.

But what happens next is even more interesting. You are subjected to a continuous wave of high frequency thumping sounds that makes your wonder if they are testing your ears instead. Siddhu's laughter would seem pale in comparison.

Patient - "Doctor do you do this to everybody?"
Radiologist - "I asked you not to move your body! Includes your lips."

Patient - (Deep breath. Trying to relax)

Radiologist - "I said please don't move."
Patient - "That's because I am breathing moron!"
Radiologist - (Thinks about his education loan) "If you say so sir"

Then came the moment when the noise dimmed and stopped. I found the attendant unstrapping me and pulling me out. Back on my feet and relieved, I looked at my phone to check the number of minutes I was inside (in what seemed to be eternity) - about 25 minutes. Not bad!

Now this part is interesting. You have paid Rs.8000 and been inside for about 25 minutes and you expect that investment to yield results. Meaning in a strange sort of way you would want the scan to emphatically explain why you consistently stood last in the class. Your maths teacher thought that there was complete lack of left brain functions and your art teacher thought that your undeveloped cognitive functions definitely did not include creativity. You suck at your job and have never been able to seduce your neighbour Pinky.

Instead what you get leaves you disappointed. Your brain has been scanned from all conceivable angles. There are roughly 100 images taken which you scared to look into. You quickly turn over to the summary sheet which nails the issues with surgical precision - except that you are not qualified to interpret it.

Consider this. Two neurologists discussing your MRI scan.

Doctor 1: "Hello Doctor Shenoy. I thought of taking a second opinion on this case."
Doctor 2: "Go right ahead Doctor Shroff."
Dr. 1: "Brain parenchyma including brainstem and cerebellum show hyperactivity."
Dr. 2: "Really? What diameter of the ventricles?"
Dr 1: "They are normal. However cortical sulci, sylvian fissures and basal cisterns are large. Pressure effect"
Dr 2: .......
Dr 2: Hmmm

You: "What is wrong with me Doctor. I need to know"

Dr 2: "Are the sella, pitutary gland and parasellar regions normal?"
Dr 1: "Well there is mass lesion. But no haemorrhage yet."
Dr 2: .......

You: (Pissing in your pants) "I am getting worried. I need to know"

Dr 1: "No infart but some midline shift."
Dr. 2: "OK. Are the 7th and 8th nerve complex normal on both sides?"
Dr 1: "Yes. But major intracranial vessels show abnormal flowvoid."
Dr 2: "Cyst?"
Dr 1: "Small cyst is seen in right sphenoid sinus and minimal fluid is seen in left sphenoid sinus"

You: "Will I live? I need to know?"

Dr 1: "So what is the treatment? I don't recommend surgery. It could be FB."
Dr. 2: "I concur. Let's go with FB"

You: "Dr. now the NATION needs to know"

Dr 1: " You need to log out of Facebook"

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